How the Internet began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. ( Well, purty darn near.)

Email humor

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo............Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Sex Pistols, Bergen-Belsen, and high fashion

Pop music aficionados and fans of the British punk rock band Sex Pistols might recall the 1978 song “Belsen was a gas,” about Jews in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp, which included such lyrics as, “Belsen was a gas I heard the other day in the open graves where the Jews all lay life is fun and I wish you were here they wrote on postcards to those so dear oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....”

The song was a point of controversy (one of many) for the band for years. In a 1996 interview with Q magazine, Sex Pistols lead singer/songwriter Johnny Rotten admitted that the song “was a very nasty, silly little thing ... that should've ended up on the cutting room floor.” You can see a performance of the song here.

But the Belsen saga didn’t end when the Sex Pistols broke up in 1978. In 2007, a billboard ad for Bell Canada showed a young female punk rocker wearing a “Belsen was a gas” button. A company spokesman at the time apologized, explaining that Bell officials approved the ad after seeing smaller sample images in which the text on the button wasn’t visible.

Bringing the controversial song back into the limelight earlier this week, Australian clothing designer Evil Twin apologized after receiving numerous complaints for naming a parka after the infamous song.

Originally created as a prisoner-of-war camp in Germany, Bergen-Belsen became a concentration camp in 1942. Although Bergen-Belsen did not house any gas chambers, more than 50,000 people died there as a result of typhus and starvation. British forces liberated Bergen-Belsen on April 15, 1945, and after the war they burned it to the ground and set up the Bergen-Belsen Displaced Persons camp nearby.

The Sex Pistols may have been trying to be ironic with the song – referencing both gas chambers and the slang term for a good time – as they tried to upset social norms, but, this crossed a line into the profane. Evil Twin should have known better than to revisit the controversial and offensive title.

Running the blockade

Members of a U.S. ship that intends to run Israel's blockade of Gaza have said they are bringing no humanitarian aid with them, only moral support and letters.

I wonder when these self-righteous do-gooders will decide to show the same fortitude against the U.S. embargo of Cuba? My guess would be never.

They also do not seem to understand that Israel is not the only entry to Gaza. Egypt controls a border as well and, until recently, also enforced a blockade. Why don't these folks go through the open Egyptian passage to Gaza? And why do Gazans need aid if they're able to build and support a shopping mall larger than any in the West Bank (see recent post)?

The answer to all these questions is simple and as old as this conflict: These people don't care about the Palestinians themselves, they care about scoring points against Israel. The Palestinians are only pawns to do that. If these people actually cared about the Palestinians and providing "support" then they would go through the Egyptian crossing and go show their support. By doing this they are breaking a legal blockade and don't even have the protection of being on a humanitarian mission since they said point blank that they are not bringing any humanitarian aid. They are sailing to hurt Israel, not to help the Palestinians.

For more than 60 years the Palestinians have been nothing but pawns of the Arab world in its battle against Israel, and thanks to these misguided folks that looks like it will continue.

Humanitarian crisis in Gaza

Wow, it's been a while. I have to get back into the swing of things with this blog. I keep seeing so many things I want to comment on. Let's get started with this!

Remember that "humanitarian crisis" that Israel was causing in Gaza with its blockade? Well, apparently a humanitarian crisis means economic boom because how else do you explain the biggest shopping mall being built in the Palestinian territories? That's right, a three-story shopping mall, the biggest in all the territories and the second to open in Gaza in a year(!) is set to open next month. Perhaps it will be home to Rocket Depot, for all of your homemade rocket needs for firing into Israel.

So while Hamas was complaining about a humanitarian crisis in Gaza, it was busy building two giant shopping malls, bigger than anything in the economically thriving West Bank. How exactly does that work?

Meanwhile, another flotilla from Turkey is in the works. Perhaps they'll be carrying much-needed Old Navy cargo pants because the mall only carries Eddie Bauer.

Eating healthy and Shabbat

Shavua tov! If you're a typical Shabbat-observant Jew (not that I am typical about anything), you probably spent today eating - a lot. Here's a quick breakdown of what I had today:

Kiddush Club during shul: cholent
Kiddush after shul: more cholent
Lunch after kiddush after shul: gefilte fish, assorted salads, bbq chicken, chicken shnitzel, kugle, and, of course, cholent.

Those who went to seudah shlisheet (the third meal in between afternoon and evening prayer services on Shabbat) had even more nosh.

Guess what? According to this article, "A study in the journal Obesity reveals that people eat an average of 236 more calories on Saturday than on any given weekday."

Two-hundred-thirty-six calories? I wish all I had today was an extra 236 calories. I wonder what the statistics are for Shabbat-observers? Big meal Friday night, kiddush at shul, big lunch, seudah shlisheet, and then it's time for dinner. No wonder Saturdays are such high-calorie days.

Speaking of which, it's time for dinner. Wonder what's in the fridge?

Adopting kittens is for wimps

Are you feeling lonely? Do you have excess love to give but nobody to give it to? Allergic to dogs and cats?

Perhaps you should think about adopting - adopting a terrorist, that is.

Yes, a terrorist.

Adopt a Terrorist for Prayer is a Christian site that wants you to, well, adopt terrorists and pray for them.

According to the site's homepage:

Where is the Christian response to terrorism? If the struggle against violence done in the name of Islam is primarily spiritual, then defeating it requires a spiritual response.

The site includes a database of FBI most wanted terrorists, as well as some other notorious faces like Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah (adopted by six people) and Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh (adopted by five people), and offers ways to pray for them. Osama bin Laden has adopted by 17 people.

The site also suggests some prayers. For example, "Father, lead Osama Bin Laden to repent for rejecting Jesus and declaring war on your children.” And, “Jesus, confront and overwhelm Ismail Haniyeh with his shameful deeds and sinful nature till he becomes desperate for righteousness from you.”

The people on this list are responsible for some of the most heinous crimes in recent years. And the FBI and CIA have been unable to capture bin Laden, so maybe praying that he has a change of heart could be the next step. Or, as Arnaud Amalric famously said during the Crusades, "Kill them all. For the Lord knows them that are His."

Whaa??

Have you looked outside your window lately? Is rain falling up? Are cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria?

Because the U.N. Security Council has taken action against a country that isn't Israel! That sure seems like a sign of the apocalypse to me.

According to the Associated Press, the Council voted unanimously to impose an arms embargo on Libya, freeze the assets of Gaddafi, his four sons and daughter, and impose a travel ban on the entire family along with 10 others close to them.

Granted, this is a bit late in the game, and will likely not put a stop to Gaddafi's killing spree, but at least the UNSC is actually taking some action. I just hope that it's not too little, too late, and that there is some follow through.

Palestinian pride overriding Palestinian common sense?

Abba Eban once said that the Palestinians never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

Once again, the Palestinians are shooting themselves in the foot. Instead of returning to negotiations, the Palestinian Authority tried to get the UN Security Council last week to approve a resolution condemning Israeli settlements. The United States vetoed it.

In response, according to The Jerusalem Post today, Fatah is calling for a boycott of the United States.

PA Prime Minister Salam Fayyad announced that he would be prepared to give up US aid that is dependent on political conditions.

He said that in 2010, the US gave the PA $223 million in financial aid to cover its deficit of $1.145 billion.

A Palestinian boycott will have very little impact on the U.S. government or economy, so
sure, why shouldn't the Palestinians spit at one of their biggest benefactors?

Musings on Egypt post-Mubarak

An Egyptian opposition leader said the Camp David era is over. So if Egypt cancels the peace treaty, which returned the Sinai, which Israel won in a defensive war with Egypt, then Israel should retake the Sinai. I wonder if the Egyptians have thought this out?

Live from Cairo - it's Saturday night!

As Cairo continues to burn (pretty much every headline is a play on this phrase, so much for originality) "Saturday Night Live" scored an impressive interview last night with President Hosni Mubarak.

And because I can't seem to figure out how to embed video here, here is a link.

Welcome, and now some bad news....

Greetings! Welcome to the new home of The Big Lipowsky! Some of you (hopefully) followed me from the former Big Lipowsky blog at The Jewish Standard, and others are new, intrigued by the snappy blog title and lured in by my wit and charm.

Shalom aleichem!

To start things off, I want to draw your attention to an editorial I wrote two weeks ago, "Showdown looms in the Middle East."

Well, I hate to say "I told you so," but it looks like things are starting to heat up in Egypt with protests against President Hosni Mubarak's rule. It's entirely possible we could soon see the fall of the Egyptian government. The question is, what would replace it? The Muslim Brotherhood? A democracy? And who would win?

It is entirely possibly that the events in Tunisia could lead to a democratic, friendly government there. It is also entirely possible - and somewhat likely - that once democracy takes hold in countries like Egypt, we could lose allies of the United States and Israel.

Iran under the shah was repressive but pro-Western. As is Mubarak's government in Egypt. The Islamic Revolution of 1979 replaced Iran's dictatorial but pro-Western shah with a "democratic" government headed by a non-democratic supreme leader. We all see how democratic things really are over there now, and that country is hardly BFFs with the United States or Israel. Hamas was also democratically elected, but retains its thirst for Israeli blood.

Political scientists are fond of saying that democracies do not go to war with each other. I hope that what emerges from these protests can truly be called democracies, which will guarantee freedoms that have been missing in the Middle East instead of repressing them further. The last thing we need is another Iran.